Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Taking the Time to be a Happy Mama

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to attend the 2nd annual Happy Mama Conference and Retreat in Raleigh, North Carolina. What, you ask, is the Happy Mama Conference and Retreat? It's the brainchild of some great special needs mamas of kids with invisible disabilities (ADHD, ODD, ASD, OCD, FASD, etc...) who decided it would be a hoot to get together for the weekend with a bunch of other special needs mamas...and they were right! It was a great time!

One of the highlights for me was that I managed to convince one of my best friends, who just happens to be a special needs mom herself, to come with me. When was the last time you spent two days with one of your best friends? I know, right? That's worth the price of admission right there! Just look at these pictures...how happy do I look????

 A selfie in my hotel room. Look...no bags under my eyes!
Amazing what a good night's sleep and a long nap can do.
 
 Cheese! Smile big big for the selfie, Allison Downey!
 
 We liked that first one so much, we took another one!
 
 Now these are happy mamas!
 
I finally got to meet fellow blogger and special needs mama Adrienne Ehlert Bashista.
She also happens to be one of the conference organizers.


If you were to ask me what I learned at the conference, I'd tell you not a whole lot. Now, don't get me wrong...there was a lot to be learned! The sessions were awesome, and I remember liking them all. I, however, have ADHD and am currently unmedicated, which means I can't remember a conversation I had 10 minutes ago, let alone an entire conference worth of stuff. What I will say, though, is that some stuff really, really resonated with me, and that's the stuff I remember.

Despite the fact that I had spent the money and taken the time to fly almost 1,500 km (or about 900 miles, for you non-metric people) to the conference (and abandoned my husband for the weekend with the children for the second time in a month), I still felt kind of guilty. The conference may be fairly inexpensive compared to other conferences, but it was still a lot of money for us. And while TheODDDad has hobbies that take him out of the house a few nights a week for months at a time, I've never had the kids to myself for an entire weekend. It seemed pretty one-sided...really one-sided...and a part of me felt unworthy.

And then came two sessions by Vikki Spencer, also known as The Mom Whisperer. Vikki is a motivational speaker, a certified life coach, and best of all, a special needs mom. In a nutshell, she gets it. She gets the tendency, which I don't think is unique to special needs moms, to put everyone else's needs before our own. To feel guilty when we take time for ourselves, even if it's just going for a walk or locking the bathroom door and taking a bubble bath. (OK, for the record, I hate baths, but I know they work for some people.) Vikki's message was the importance of taking the time to look after ourselves, to indulge in self-care.

Vikki shared an analogy on how critical it is for us to "sharpen our saw," which I believe she said is a premise she took from Stephen Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. She explained it this way (I'm paraphrasing, but the fact that I remember even this much shows how deeply it resonated with me): A man goes for a walk in the woods one day and comes across a woodcutter hacking away at a tree. It's obvious to the man that the woodcutter's saw is dull, so he suggests that the woodcutter take a break to sharpen his saw. "I can't," says the woodcutter. "I need to get this done, so I don't have time to stop."

Of course, we all know that things would go much easier for the woodcutter if he took the time to sharpen his saw. The work would get done faster, the woodcutter wouldn't be as tired at the end of the job, and everyone would be happy. Maybe he'd even have a little time left over for himself... Happy, happy, joy, joy!!!

As special needs moms, we need to take time to sharpen our saws. We are happier and better able to deal with everything that our lives...or our children...throw at us if we look after ourselves. As Vikki pointed out, there's a reason why adults on airplanes are instructed to put their oxygen masks on first and then tend to their children. While maternal instinct tells us to look after our children first, we can't look after our children when we can't breathe. Ever get so stressed that you find it hard to breathe? Right...you get the point.

The big question, of course, is how to fund your self-care. A walk by yourself might be nice, but wouldn't a massage be nicer? Or dinner with friends? Or a date night? Or that cut and colour you've been wanting? Or going to the Happy Mama Conference? Sure, I went to the conference this year, but that's because we came into a little bit of money unexpectedly, so I used some of it for that. But the question of how to fund next year's conference...because not going is NOT an option...is a big question.

I have to admit that when I was listening to Vikki talk about the importance of self-care, I was inwardly rolling my eyes as I tried to figure out where the money was supposed to come from on a regular basis. In our house, extra money goes to groceries, savings, or debt repayment. On occasion it goes to a special date night, but the guilt that comes with that can be pretty hefty! It seems there's always somewhere else the money should have gone.

Vikki, however, tackled that as well. She had some really great...and super easy...ways to find money. The thing is, though, that you have to change your mindset. You have to be willing to put that "found" money towards self-care, which means believing you're worth it. I know...that's the hard part.

Vikki asked a really tough question: Would you hesitate to spend the extra money on that child you love so much? Probably not, right? Then you need to love yourself as much as you love your child. When I put that question to the parents in our support group the other night, we all agreed we would find a way to pay for our child's soccer, or birthday party, or therapy. But when it came to putting that money towards ourselves, somehow all the moms and dads were suddenly looking at the ground. Ouch...

So, where do you find the money. Here are some ideas she shared and some of my own:
  • Does loose change tend to sit around in your house? Claim it! If there are any arguments, set a time limit. If it sits for more than 24 hours, it's yours.
  • Use coupons at the store and put the money you save aside.
  • Have breakfast for supper once a week. Pancakes and sausages are cheap and fun. Figure you save $5 or $10 a meal? Great...put it aside.
  • Buy your lunch during the week? Brown bag it once in a while and put the money aside.
  • Love your Timmies or your Starbucks? Forgo one a week and save the money.
I have to admit that not all of these ideas will work in my house. For one thing, I work from home, so there are no bought lunches here. I rarely hit Timmies or Starbucks, so there goes that. I do, however, see a lot of pancakes and sausages in my family's future. If I'm lucky, I may even find a coupon for them! Bonus!!!






31 comments:

  1. You are so right that all mothers, especially those with kids who have special needs, need to take better care of themselves, and put themselves first more often.
    I'm so very glad you "treated" yourself to this conference and that NOT going next year is not an option. Stick to that--no matter what life, and your family-throw at you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
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  2. I am so happy I came upon your Blog. I have been telling my mom I was about to start one. All I was finding was what ODD was not how to handle and live with a child who has it. I could relate with everything you were saying. I cant wait to share this with other moms I know who have kids with ODD.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Somehow I missed your post about Happy Mama! What a great take-away from the event! So glad you are coming again in 2015, and SPEAKING. I can't wait. I'm excited to get to know you more, Laura! I know we will have a blast in our cabin. ;-)

    Penny Williams
    Author of "Boy Without Instructions: Surviving the Learning Curve of Parenting a Child with ADHD" and "What to Expect When You're Not Expecting ADHD"
    ParentingADHDChildren.com

    Organizer of the Happy Mama Conference & Retreat

    ReplyDelete
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  18. After 9 years in marriage with my hubby with 3 kids, my husband started going out with other ladies and showed me cold love, on several occasions he threatened to divorce me if I dare question him about his affair with other ladies, I was totally devastated and confused until an old friend of mine told me about a spell caster on the internet called DR. Okojie who help people with their relationship and marriage problem by the powers of love spells, at first I doubted if such thing ever exists but decided to give it a try, when I contacted him, he helped me cast a love spell on my husband and within 24hours my husband came back to me and started apologizing, now he has stopped going out with ladies and he is with me for good and for real. Contact this great spell caster for your relationship or marriage problem and all kinds of problem you find difficult to resolve and he will put a lasting solution to it. You can also contact him if you are unable to bear children. Here is his email drokojiespellhome6@gmail.com

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  20. DIVORCE AND MARITAL BREAKTHROUGH

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  21. I want to let everyone here know that Spell casting really works. However it wouldn't have been possible for me to get my ex back without the kind support and help of LORD MASUKA,whose email is lordmasukaspelltemple@hotmail.com i would like to extend my golden sincere thanks to LORD MASUKA who helped me to get my ex back. I am Davies M i want to thank LORD MASUKA the great spell caster who is so powerful and good in spell casting. I am highly indebted to LORD MASUKA for his help in getting my ex back. My boyfriend left me for another girl, i was so heart broken so i contacted a friend who introduced me to the great LORD MASUKA who have helped her before to get her boyfriend so i did all he asked me to do. Surprisingly 48 hours later as he promised my boyfriend called me and asked me to forgive him for leaving me now we are back together living happily. Don't let anybody to deceive you spell casting works because i am a living testimony. He also have herbal cure for all kind of infection or STD diseases. You can give it a try by contacting him through his email address: lordmasukaspelltemple@hotmail.com or add him on whats app +2347053105287, you can also contact him on Facebook Harry Masuka or Skype Lord Masuka..


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  22. My heart was filled with remorse and pain for the past 7 months when my husband ended our marriage and went to his EX lover because i was unable to give him a son. I was so devastated and almost committed suicide because of the love and affection i had for my husband. I searched and asked everyone i knew for help but all my efforts were useless not until i was refereed to Doctor Casera by Oliver who i met online that he could be of help to my marriage for he has helped her before. I got in touch with the Doctor and i poured out everything i had in mind to him and he encouraged me and promised to make me smile and make me live a better life by getting my husband back with his powers between just 24 hours. I believed in him and to my very eyes, my husband came on his knees pleading for forgiveness to come back and rectify his mistakes and today we are living with so much Joy and happiness. If anyone out there needs help of any-kind, get in touch with the Doctor now for he will help you out.. E-mail: relationshipsolutionhome@hotmail.com OR call/text: +1 (518) 460-6400 & website: http://relationshipsolutionhome.webs.com/

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  23. How can I explain this to the world that there is a man called Dr atakuma who helped me bring back my ex lover and restored my womb..when all hope was lost..Me and my lover have been married for the past 5 years with no child we were living happily..on till one day that we have an misunderstanding because i had not be able to have a child for him, so he decided to live me because of another women, i was so sad and frustrated and i could not even eat on till one day i was browsing through the internet where i saw a lady called Emily testifying about spell caster call Dr atakuma who helped her brought back her husband back home, so i decided to take a try in contacting the spell caster Dr atakuma so i explain all my problem to Dr atakuma and he told me that i should not worry that he is going to help me solve my problem,that my lover will come back home to my greatest surprise in just 24 hours my husband start calling me and begging for forgiveness i was so surprise now we are back again as husband and wife,all my thanks goes to DR,atakuma, worry no more cause DR,atakuma is here to help u all,i will do u favor by drooping his email;dr.atakumaoracle@outlook.com OR my email for more info mzshalommichelle@gmail.com

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  24. Hello i'm from London, i know a renowned spell caster who helped me when i had problems in my marriage with my Wife. If you need a right place to solve your relationship problems contact DR.OGUDUGU TEMPLE on: ( GREATOGUDUGU@GMAIL.COM ) OR WHATSAPP +2348139793075 he is the right choice, he is a great man that has ever been.

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  25. Am so happy getting my wife back with the help of Doctor Casera Zaza who God used to reunite my marriage. Each day of my life, i ask God to bless Dr. Casera Zaza for he has made my life complete by bringing back my wife to me and for this reason, i made a vow to my self that i will testify on the internet to let the world know that Dr. Casera Zaza is a God on Earth. Do you need any kind of help? Contact him now via: relationshipsolutionhome@hotmail.com or you can call me for more info on +1 (203) 702-9280 Tomas Kokyova.

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  26. URGENT LOVE-SPELL TO GET YOUR EX BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND BACK FAST!!
    Thanks to Prophet Efe a real online love spell caster for bringing back my Ex boyfriend ;"Contact: efepowerfultemple@gmail.com for Urgent Love Spell.
    i got my boyfriend back with Prophet Efe powerful real urgent spell his result is 100% guarantee sure and trusted.
    My boyfriend left me for another girl. I needed him back desperately because i loved him so much. I became very worried and needed help. as i was browsing through the Internet, I came across a website that suggested that Prophet Efe can help get ex back fast and stop a divorce or breakup and so on , So I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a (return Love spell) for me. 28 hours later, my boyfriend came back to me crying and begging for my forgiveness. Today I'm so happy and i want to recommend this great spell caster to anyone that truly needs an urgent solution to his or her broken relationships and marriage. Simply contact the great Prophet Efe If you have any problem contact him and i guarantee you that he will help you., Thank you Prophet Efe for saving my broken relationships and brought my boyfriend back to me!" email him at: efepowerfultemple@gmail.com ,you can also call him : +2347081602438
    Glenda.
    United State.

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  27. Hello I am Mark Sonia, I am out here to spreed this good news to the entire world on how I got my ex lover back. I was going crazy when my love left me for another girl last month, But when i meet a friend that introduce me to DR EZE MALAKA the great messenger to the oracle that he serve, I narrated my problem to DR EZE MALAKA about how my ex love left me and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company. He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect. He told me what i need to do, After i have done it In the next 2 days, My lover called my phone and was apologizing for living me before now and also in the next one week after my lover called me to be pleading for forgiveness, I was called for interview in my desired company were i needed to work as the managing director..I am so happy and overwhelmed that i have to tell this to the entire world to contact DR EZE MALAKA at the following email address and get all your problem solve..No problem is too big for him to solve..Contact him on: extremewhitelovespell@yahoo.com and get your problems solve like me..... ONCE AGAIN HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS: extremewhitelovespell@yahoo.com

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  28. Today I'm so happy because of what Dr Miracle has done to my life. his spell is so great and fast, i have never really see a helpful man like him, he solved my problem i didn't expect, i came across him on face book people talking about his great spell work, i collected his contact and contacted him he responded immediately and ask about my problem i explain to him with tears, he told me contacting him i should not be worried my husband will come back to me as far i still love him, i was amaze. Immediately i ask what will i do to get my husband back, he gave me instructions and ask for his name and picture which immediately i obey and follow, he promise me two days my husband will call me to believe about his work, Honestly speaking my husband called but i miss his calls i was so happy. He promise me my husband will come back home within 48 hour and i should open my hearth and work with him which i did. Today my family is back again with the help of Dr Miracle, has bring back my husband after he left me for another woman in other state, you know how it feels when you loose your loved husband for another woman, you do anything to get him back. today i promise to share and tell the world about his great work because I'm so happy today. contact Him If You Need His Help Too, Ignore if You Don't. Thanks Dr Miracle,,"CONTACT Via Email,,,(((MIRACLESPELLHOME@YAHOO.COM))

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